You left me four months ago today.
I had no say-so in the matter. I came home from being away four days and you were gone. At first, there was chaos and trauma. Arrangements to be made, business to be done. That has slowed, and the reality is setting in. During these four months I have come to several realizations. Some are surprising, others not so much.
One realization is that I have never, excepting the last four months, lived alone. Never, in my entire life. I went from living as a child, albeit a child of 18 years, with my Mama and Daddy to living with a husband. Oh, I have stayed alone for varying periods of time, but never have I actually lived alone. Never has it been solely dependent on me to make sure the door is locked at night, the trash is taken out, the bills are paid, or the car is in good running condition. I know this sounds peevish to so many single women who are responsible for their own lives, but many women of my generation are in this same predicament. It is shocking to suddenly find yourself in such a situation, totally unprepared. Be ready! It could happen to you.
One evening, watching some nonsensical movie on TV about beautiful young single women living the high life, I was struck by another sudden realization – I am single. Then, that realization is quickly replaced with another – I am a widow! The term widow seems old-fashioned in my mind but it has landed smack in my present day existence. I’m not sure I like it. It brings to mind a dried up old church lady woman, bent and hunched, shuffling along in her orthopedic shoes in a residence that smells of medication and is decorated in original mid-20th century accoutrements. That can’t be me! I’m certainly not young, but I know I’m not old by today’s standards, the standards that push further into the future with every generation. I was beautiful too, once upon a time, but whether that is still so is debatable. Yet here I am, most definitely single. I’m not sure what to make of that.
One of the hardest realizations is that I now know what it is to be lonely. In all of my almost 69 years, including the 50-plus I’ve lived as a married woman, I have never known loneliness. Please don’t confuse being alone with being lonely. They are not the same. Being alone can be a blessing. It can be stimulating and creative. Many of us INTJs* crave their alone time – it keeps us sane. Many times in my life I have longed for isolation. Yet there is a devastating difference between desiring some alone time and enduring enforced seclusion. The recent Covid pandemic literally brought this understanding home to our doorsteps. I have a new awareness of those who live solitary lives. Until you find yourself profoundly sad because you suddenly become conscious that you have not spoken to another living soul or felt a human touch for days on end, you can’t begin to appreciate loneliness. Please share your own thoughts in a comment below.
*INTJ is one of sixteen personality types identified through the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. A generalized description of the INTJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging) personality type is someone who is independent, confident, goal oriented, not governed by emotions, happy alone, constantly working on personal and professional projects.
For more details go here: https://www.mbtionline.com/en-US/MBTI-Types/INTJ